Louis Hutong

The Differences Between (now in pictures)

Truthfully, this should be called "The Difference Between Chinese and Western Culture" as it almost applies to any western country in the northern hemisphere. Regardless, it's a pretty interesting piece of design work summarizing the China experience.

Chinese VS German Culture

Cultural Toll

 

I once read a Chinese professor quoted as saying, "Chinese people are too practical to be logical." It's been one of my favorite quotes since I arrived, mainly due to its ability to explain so much of the seeming contradiction and goofiness that sometimes is China.

Today, we get more evidence.

Toll-dodging truckers breach China's Great Wall

It's logical to obey the law, pay your tolls, and not destroy your cultural heritage. It is however more practical to do what's best for you...even it involves culturally scarring your people by ripping through one of your greatest landmarks all for the sake of saving a few RMB.

Good job China.

Women's Town

"Women's Town" to put men in their place

How many of you think this will become the go-to destination in China for S&M mistresses? Take note of the picture they attached to the story, looks like it'll be a very hospitable place, huh?

Are Chinese Women Happy?

Who knows! But according to a recent survey:

"'Sex' Does Not Make Majority Of Chinese Women 'Happy'"

I'm fully expecting a comment from Shanghai Sami on this one.

The Case of the Flighty Stewardess

Homecoming Queens, Cheerleaders, Stewardesses...

These are the three types of girls that I'd like to say I've dated at least once in my life. When you grow up wearing coke bottles on your acne-covered face, you tend to make these little "someday i'll..." lists, so I'm not going to make any apologies. This just happens to be one of the more superficial of my lists.  Besides, when you're a teenager, you're not really known for much depth.

Eventually thought I did start blooming, and have been lucky to have had a fairly active dating life. So much so that  I've even been able to scratch off two of the above. Namely the Homecoming Queens and Cheerleaders...

The one I had to wait for was the Stewardess. And it's the one I still have to wait for...

Last June, on a cool Sunday night, I agreed to meet three of my co-workers on the outside patio of Suzie Wang's for a drink (of coke). For a place that gets labeled a "meat market" by many, it was surprisingly mellow. So mellow that there was easily a 2-to-1 ratio of wait staff to customers, but that didn't matter, we were just there to catch up with each other. As I walked upstairs, I noticed two girls leisurely sipping on their drinks near the inside bar. I made a mental note and headed on outside. After a few minutes of talking, one of my co-workers mentioned the two girls they noticed while walking in. I couldn't help but nod in agreement. And then, as the last of our group finally shows up, he immediately walks up and asks if we had noticed the two girls at the bar.

Of course, we all laughed, but continued on with our drinks for the next hour or two. I had commented to one of the guys that it was too bad it was his last night in town and he didn't get a chance to see the Beijing nightlife. I told him that we'd take him out the next time he came through to make up for it. From there, we decided to call it a night and head home.

That is, until we passed the table where our previous "sightings" still remained glued to their drinks. Of course, they hardly noticed us walking by, at last until I got struck with a uncharacteristic burst of courage. Once again, I was drinking coke all evening so there may be some caffeine-induced delirium involved here. So taking the opportunity given to us, I grabbed the only other single man in group...our soon-to-be-departing friend...and pulled him to their table, where I launched into a speech about how my poor friend never had the chance to meet any of the beautiful women in Beijing and how this might be his last opportunity.

Now whether they even understood my little English speech is still a mystery. All I know is that they started giggling, which to most males is an undeniable sign of permission to sit down and annoy you the rest of the night. We quickly discovered that their English was rather limited (as was my Chinese at the time), so my friend ended up playing the on and off translator for the rest of the evening. I was finally able to have a small English conversation with the girl I was sitting near, and it was enough to discover that they were both off-duty stewardesses for one of China's domestic airlines.

Of course, my friend and I were secretly ecstatic about the news as evidenced by the immature "they're stewardesses!!!" text messages we sent each other later that night. Still, we played it cool and were somehow able to parlay this into two hours of mojitos, martinis, and cokes. Eventually though, the night had to end, as the two ladies had an early flight to catch. Quickly stepping up to the plate, my friend quietly asked for and received "his" girl's phone number to which I also followed suit with mine. Stewardess fantasies bouncing through my head, I was completely oblivious towards the impossibly frustrating attempt at a follow-up that was soon to come.

Knowing they'd be busy that week with work, I waited 5 or 6 days before I decided to drop her a quick message. Surprisingly she responded, and after some awkward texting and actual phone calls, we agreed to meet the following Sunday for lunch.

When Sunday rolled around, I wanted to confirm we were still on for lunch. Unfortunately, all my text messages and phone calls went unanswered. I had been stood up. For the first time in my life. After waiting for about 45 minutes, my primal sex drive got replaced by the more necessary hunger drive and I gave up. I actually tried a few days after that to get back in touch, but even then, nothing. All my fantasies suddenly went poof!

A few weeks later I received a message from her. Apparently...she had lost her mobile phone on one of her flights and was unable to get a hold of me. It was only then that she was able to recover her phone and get back to me. I was willing to accept this, and being a sucker for pretty girls, was more than happy to give her a second chance. So over the next few weeks we got stuck in a game of phone tag consisting of us making and breaking plans due to our mutually changing schedules. With her schedule being even more chaotic I got burned out on trying and we agreed that she'd just message me when she was free.

And so the age of silence began. It wasn't until the new year (2007, not the Pig) that I finally heard back from her. And even then, it was because I happened to send everyone in my phonebook a New Year's greeting. I'm not sure if that prompted her to remember me, but she replied back. Surprised, and relaxed again after my vacation, I thought I'd take another go at it.

So again, we finally agree to a time and date. This time, it was a Wednesday, and I'd made a reservation at a Yunnan restaurant here in Beijing. Because work was busy, I let most of the day slip by without messaging her to confirm. I had learned my lesson from last time, so I had made sure we had a definite place and time. Unfortunately, it didn't help when I tried to call, as once again she was a no-show.

I'm not accepting a lost phone as an excuse this time. This is just pure idiocy. Can someone really be this inconsiderate in not responding? Had she possibly lost her good sense by sticking head outside the window during mid-flight? Apparently shecould...

And apparently I could easily give this one up. Sure, it's a boyish dream, but I'm old enough to know that I don't have time for this. I never waited around for her before and I'm not going to do it again. But as a guy, we can't help but act stupid every chance that we get. And I would get yet another chance. And it would only be three months later.

This time, there were no actual phone calls, just a long barrage of text messages. So for the sake of historical accuracy, I will share them here. Items in red are her, blue are me, and black is Jiminy Cricket.

[7:07 am] I am <name withdrawn>!   remember  me? (if you introduce yourself to a guy this early in the morning, you better be doing it by rolling over and tapping him on the shoulder. sorry, had to go lowbrow on that one.)

[7:12 am] Yes, I do. How are you? (by the way, i'm extremely nearsighted. i had to hold my mobile 3mm away from eyeball to even write that. i now have a permanent retina burn that looks remarkably like audrey hepburn.)

[4:41 pm]  Fine,i am very sorry (cool, it only took her 9 1/2 hours to respond to my last message. this is going great!)

[4:42 pm] What happened?

[4:44 pm] I not have dinner with you (i'm not going to be childish and make fun of her english, ok?)

[4:45 pm] I know. :-)  are we going to meet sometime? Or should i give up? (bam, right to the point! owned!)

[4:47 pm] are you angry? (let me think, this is the first i've heard of you since january? you tell me)

[4:48 pm] A little. I was actually more worried that something bad happened... (i'm now a cute and fuzzy bunny)

[5:13 pm] So, will we meet sometime for dinner? (ok, so she couldn't translate my bunny-talk. i had to reload)

[5:27 pm] Sorry,and then i have a meeting!do you can have luch?

[5:35 pm] Not sure about lunch. When are you free?

[5:37 pm] TOMORROW (did it suddenly get a little loud in here?)

[6:53 pm] Sorry, had to check schedule. I'm free. What time? (i know, you're thinking it now takes me forever to respond. really though, i had to check my calendar)

[6:58 pm] what about you?

[6:59 pm] I have time for lunch or dinner. It's your choice. (i hear women like men who make a decision. i'm glad i was such a putz here)

[7:01 pm] 12:30Pm?where?

[7:06 pm] Do you eat pizza? Or would you rather eat chinese food?

[7:07 pm] Pizza!i like! (you know you want me to make the "i like pie too" joke here)

[7:09 pm] Ok, meet me at the 3x3 store on sanlitun tomorrow. Ok? (ok, post-de-putzing, i make a decision...)

[7:15 pm] Sorry,i will fly tomorrow!i am very sorry! (only to get shot down 6 minutes after making it)

[7:16 pm] You are killing me. (but then again, aren't all women just trained assassins of the heart, aren't they? oops, temporary college-esque misogyny came burping up there)

[7:18 pm] I am so sorry! (...for being a nutcase)

[7:19 pm] Then meet me tonight. My plans fell thru, so i'm now free. (attempting to bluff her out)

[7:35 pm] Yes? No? ;-) (until i re-putz and cry like a baby)

And so it ends. I have not received any further responses for her. And since I have not heard of any plane crashes in the China area, I can only assume that she is still alive.

Now whether or not this is the last chapter of this saga is still yet to be determined. I'm at the age where I know what's worth wasting my time over and what's not. However, there is still the "thrill of the chase" that all guys suffer with that secretly hopes this saga continues. If this pursuit does ever yield any results, I'll now be free to move on to #4 on the list...

Chinese bar girls who wear Heineken dresses.

Beijing-hua and the Phonetic Tariff

My last post made a quick comment on Beijing-hua, which to the China-uninitiated is the local dialect found here in Beijing. It's a modification of standard Mandarin that can easily be imitated by stuffing 14 marbles into your mouth. For those capable of speaking Chinese, extreme caution is recommended if attempted. After the insertion of the marbles, many find that their taxi drivers now completely understand their directions. Some have even reported an increase in chuanr hotspot discoveries and invitations to Mahjong games near  the hutongs.

For those of who don't speak Chinese or have not visited Beijing, this particular dialect is noted for the addition of an "R" sound at the end of most words. To fully appreciate this experience, extensive research was done to uncover this Beijing-hua video guide.

Americans reading this will notice that this Chinese linguistic-additive is the opposite of the notorious Boston accent which actually drops the "R" from most words. For example, many from this particular area will refer to a "car" as a "cah" and a "park" as a "pahk."  Once again, video evidence is presented below.

So what caused this phenomenon of Bostonians losing a consonant only to see it get used by a Beijing-er? To put it simply, it's due to an agreement by both of the Chinese and American governments to re-balance their overwhelming trade deficit. For years the American government has been stockpiling letters no longer in use, unfortunately the "R" market has taken a nosedive in recent years which caused a massage letter stockpiling still affecting many places in America.

Eager to solve this inventory problem, the American government threatened China with future tariffs unless they begin immediate "R" importation. Further information into the exact details can be found in the  Alexendria Alliteration Accords of 2005. Now with an overabundance of "R's", Beijing had no choice but pass the surplus onto the local populace, which was quickly absorbed into the marble-munching tones we hear today.

In this particular trade war, it was a rare win for the Americans, although recent strength in the "X" market has caused the price of "R's" to continue its plummet. What effect this will have on future trade negotiations in unclear, however it is expected that Hu Jintao will accept more "R" importation in the hopes of earning future "apples for oranges" trade credits from the White House.

Be Flexible

I found the below on Digg today. I think after seeing a few images of these Chinese contortionists, you can pretty much figure out what comments were going to get posted. I'm sure those same posters were the same ones looking for this great little massage place. Sigh.

Chinese Contortionists

Pass the Silverware

And speaking of learning about the culture…

On the plane trip to Thailand, I was seated in a row with two ladies. In the middle, a happy, easy-going Thai lady. Near the window, a slightly middle-aged Chinese woman with a hairstyle roughly similar to that of Ziggy Marley.

Midway through the flight dinner is served, a choice of duck with rice or pork with rice. I was going to ask for rice with rice, but thought that might be a little culturally insensitive. But anyway, as opposed to most flights in America, they actually gave us metal silverware to us. A spoon, fork, and a knife. Just the joy of real silverware made my pork with rice experience so much better.

Apparently my Chinese row-mate was also overwhelmed by using such fine utensils! As the stewardess returned to collect our trays, I noticed the Chinese ladies tray had a lot less garbage than mine. My first thought was that this was due to me being an American and our tendency to create mass amounts of waste. Then I realized the truth after the stewardess asked, "I'm sorry Miss, can you please return the silverware as well?" The Chinese woman, looking aghast at being asked this question, fluttered about until the stewardess calmly said again, "Yes, we need to collect the silverware." Knowing the jig was up, the woman reluctantly handed back the silverware. I attempted to not make any more eye contact with the woman, but couldn't help but look at her straight in the face when the stewardess then asked, "We need the plates and the cups back as well."

So let's quickly recap, this lady attempts to stash away a dirty knife, fork, spoon, glass, and two plates into her purse! Being in China for so long now, I am no longer shocked by this action. I was in fact thinking, "Well, it really is the airlines fault here, it's not like they actually wrote out instructions to the passengers saying they COULDN'T keep them…"

So now that my once proud Western logic has been replaced by a more Chinese take-advantage of an opportunity pragmatism, I will soon be on eBay selling the closet hangers, drapes, and strongbox safe taken from my hotel room.

Good to be French

Oh man, wait until all the Chinese girls read this...

Zhang Ziyi spotted with Tcheky Karyo

All I can say is that if you're an old, married French man in China with a hard to pronounce name, you might get swarmed by starry-eyed Chinese nymphettes dying to meet you. You're going to be the latest must-have arm ornament for the Spring Festival this year.

Enjoy your 15 minutes...

Update: Actually this is not Tcheky Karyo, but a guy named Vivi Nevo. Check this link for more!

Unexpected Insight

Most brilliant quote of the evening:

"In China, if the buck stops here, does it mean it still has to go through 8 people?"

For those outside of China, I'm sure that made absolutely no sense. For those of us in China, it actually causes you to pause and wonder if it may actually be true.