Louis Hutong

Flowers on a Tree

Yesterday I learned the phrase, "Yi2 Hua1 Jie1 Mu4 (Hanzi TBD)."*

According to my Chinese tutor, the literal translation is roughly "move flower tie tree" or "tie flowers on a tree." I was told this was a fairly well-known saying from a Chinese military strategist, but I forgot to ask which one. This phrase was shared with me after a multi-topic conversation regarding:

1. Local tourist spots that make "possibly" exaggerated claims about either about their greatness or their wickedness (this one typically being something Japanese related).   
2. Chinese language text books that contain stories over-sensationalizing Chinese culture, as well as stories demonizing American society through an interesting selection of facts and figures.
3. Government press releases. I don't think I need to explain this one.

At this point, I'm hoping the metaphor of tying a flower to tree is obvious at this point. I'm sure you can think of many examples other than the ones I mentioned below. China is very much of an image based culture and it's not hard to spot the lump of wood decorated with flowers.

It you can't see it, let me help. It's you, young lady, the one who spent her entire month's salary to buy that famous (phone, watch, purse, jacket, etc.) brand in order to make people think you are what you're not. It's you, Mr. Actually Rich man, who drives your banana yellow Ferrari down the streets of Beijing, even though you rarely crack 40kph. It's you, old man, with your little girlfriend who is half the age of your current wife.

The strange thing, after being here a year and a half, I'm not even judging anymore (ok, maybe a little). This is just how it is and it's not just because your Chinese, the rest of us foreigners are just as bad (or good?). It doesn't have to be expensive things or expensive people that create this effect. It could be as simple as a Doraemon button or something akin to Sami's Peacocking (great post!). Heck, even my teetotaling has created a small "flower" effect for me.  People in the bar are suddenly interested by the guy who doesn't drink or smoke...I'm now different. I'm supposedly a "good" man.

So when you come to China, and you can't naturally find your place here, just think to yourself, "I'm a piece of wood, a piece of wood that needs to find a flower." And once you find that flower, tie it on tight. You'll be amazed at the results...

*If you're a Zhonguo-nazi, shut up. I probably made a mistake on the pronunciation. Feel free to kindly point it out and move on with your life. :-)

The Manhole Cover

A friend of mine fell down a manhole last friday.

I know that sounds extremely funny, but he hurt himself pretty bad because someone had either not done their job properly in putting the manhole cover back on or they just forgot to mark the area. He's now in the hospital after surgery earlier this week and will probably be out of work for a month.

If we were in the US, he'd already be planning his retirement from the impending lawsuit.

But since we're in China, watch where you walk. And keep my friend in your prayers.

Bing Shui

Last week at my company party, the 300 or so of us were split into 10 teams for some friendly intra-company competition. I'm not exactly sure how, but at the end of the day, our team actually won 3rd place. Basking in our newly-found second loser status, we were presented with our prize: a vacuum-sealed 350mL water bottle!

Considering the ridiculous amount of money company spent on the party, I thought a water bottle wasn't that bad of a gift. So being the good company man that I am (not), I feigned a little excitement with my Chinese co-workers about how much I liked the water bottle.

I was surprised to find out they were disappointed in the gift.  With a frown on their face, they quickly explained to me, "But this bottle is for cold water, you can't put hot water in it!"

To which I replied, "I'm American, we LIKE to drink cold water!"

So why is this under "Rules of China" you ask? If you visit China, I suggest you learn how to say cold water as soon as you get here. IEven if it is the middle of summer, there is a 99% chance they will bring you a glass of freshly-boiled water with your meal! You will need to protect yourself from the potential finger burns created by you not noticing the steam coming from your glass. And trust me, if you're eating at your friends favorite Sichuan restaurant, I've just saved your tongue from a horrible blister caused by a misguided attempt at quickly dowsing the mouth-numbing effect of your first taste of Shui Zhu Yu.

You'll thank me later. And please don't ask me where the ice cubes are in China, I've never found one.

In-and-Out

If I gave you a glass full of red jellybeans and said, "Please replace the glass full of red jellybeans with green jellybeans," would you:

1. Remove all the red jellybeans from the glass, then refill that glass with green jellybean.
2. Put all your green jellybeans into the glass, then attempt to remove the red jellybeans from the bottom of the glass.
3. Ignore me completely and then eat all the jellybeans.

Now let's pretend that there are no jellybeans and what I'm actually referring to is the process of entering and existing a normal elevator. If you were to pick #1, that would make you a very considerate, but most likely, normal person in the grand scheme of society. Your ability to let others exit the elevator first before you attempt to enter is appreciated. The rest of this post is not for you, please leave now before you pick up any bad habits.

If you picked #2, then you obviously live in China, where the exiting of any elevator is akin to running uphill. On a windy day. During an avalance. Made of fire.

Not only must you battle the guy with the itchy trigger finger who can't leave the elevator door open longer than 3 nanoseconds without freaking out, but you must constantly test the "2 objects cannot co-exist in the same space" theory. As the door opens and you attempt to exit, the stampede begins, overwhelming any desire to leave you previously had.  Numerous missing persons reports in China have been filed for this just reason.

So what should you do to prepare yourself?

• Never, ever, ever stand in the back of the elevator. You will miss your floor. In fact, you will miss your floor three times.
• Attempt to stand near the door where the buttons are. This will lessen the trigger finger effect slightly and it also gives you a place to launch a surprise-attack-exit onto incoming passengers during your escape.
• Only ride the elevators with your friends. You will need their help in order to implement a "Flying Wedge", a technique so powerful it was banned by College Football in the U.S.

As you can tell, the options are limited. So for your safety, please implement the appropriate game plan well in advance. Otherwise, bring yourself a Snickers bar, it's going to be a long ride.

Also, if you picked #3 earlier, you're a very sick person and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop looking at me like that...

Bashang: Or why you are wrong!

Last month I was invited by a friend of mine for a weekend trip to Bashang, in the Hebei province.  I was told that a bus had been chartered to take the 10+ of us on this 7-hour trip. Travelling anywhere in the middle of summer for 7 hours straight is always an ordeal, so I was happy to hear that our bus was air-conditioned. What I failed to realize was that my interpretation of "bus" is not quite the same as my friend's. I think "van" is actually the more appropriate term most native English speakers would use. This wouldn't be a problem, except that in a van with 3 rows for 3 people each, there is very little room left for luggage and food. So while my friend is very petite, I'm 6'1" tall with extremely long legs. Yet always the trooper, I squeezed in between two people, a couple packages of potato chips, and our weekend water bottle supply. The part about the air-conditioning was true however, and it worked great! I only mention this because it blew continuously in my face for 7 hours. By the time, we finally did reach our destination, I was blue in the face and shaped like question mark.

At 1 o'clock in the morning, right before we arrived at our new weekend home thought, we did run across some "traffic" on the road. Normally, traffic consists of 100s of cars attempting to use the same road, but in China, it only takes two cars and one lane. And in this case, it was a dirt road temporarily created to use while the main road was being repaired. Unfortunately, it was only one lane wide and at the time of our arrival was in the process of being crossed by a rather large truck. Luckily our bus (ha!) driver immediately saw this and pulled over to the side to let them pass. However, the driver behind us in the VW Beetle decided it was their turn to pass and quickly sped by us, only to stop face-to-face with the oncoming truck. Now most people would think that the driver of the VW should kick it in reverse and get out of way. Being that this is China however, you would be mistaken. This standoff would last a few more minutes until another car passed us and joined our VW friend in the face-off. I now refer to this as the Middle East Peace Process technique(MEPP), because both sides are morons, nothing ever changes, and I sometimes wish they'd just kill each other! If you think I'm exaggerating, we waited for at least 15 minutes while both sides stared at each other perplexed on how to solve this problem. Eventually, and I mean eventually, the smaller cars yielded (lost face!), backed up, and out of the way letting the truck through. Not to waste an opportunity, I used the 15 minutes stolen from my life to practice some new Chinese curse words I learned on my new friends.

It wasn't until the next morning that I iscovered there isn't much to do in Bashang except horseback-riding. It's easy to think. everyone around you is riding a horse (possibly even smelling like one), how hard could it be? Luckily (but not surprisingly!), the inn we stayed at offered riding tours around the area as well as equally convenient tour guides.

I know this may sound obvious, but its very important you listen here. The first thing you will realize is that horses in China speak Chinese! Everything you learned from Bonanza, John Wayne, and Tombstone does not apply. You need to speak the language, more importantly you need to speak the local horse dialect to you have any hope of getting the horse to stop or go. My first horse had some serious issues with my Putonghua, but was at least a master of the game follow-the-leader. This means my horse liked to follow the actions of the other horses, while remaining completely oblivious to and and all attempts by me to effectively pronounce the word for stop ("Lewwwww....")!

So about a third of the way through our trip, a couple of local boys come rushing by, sending my previously sedentary horse into a full gallop. Sure enough, 20 yards later the horse, me, and newtonian physics had had enough. I went flying off the horse, only to fall flat on my butt (pigu!) with a little whiplash of the head onto the hard ground for good measure. I learned it's not true what they say about seeing your life flash before your eyes before you die. You actually think far more practical thoughts. For me, it was "Crap. Bye Stirrup. Countryside. 7 hours from Civilization. Chinese Doctor. Christopher Reeve. Ouch!"

Yes, it was a profound and moving experience. I wasincredibly blessed that we had a horde of locals there to sympathize (gawk) and help (laugh) me get back on my feet. If it weren't for their encouragement (stifled giggling), I wouldn't have even made it to the next part of my story! Thanks Guys!

So here I was, back on a second, more linguistically-friendly horse, ready to tackle the rest of our tour. I'm not sure if our guide was still thinking about my little "laowai-freefall" action or if they were just completely incompetent, but somewhere along the path we took the wrong road. About an hour into little path, our guide realizes we are lost and begins (with a fake confidence) to head in a new direction. Despite my suspicions, we actually did get back to our inn and we were only an hour and half past our intended return time. I was just happy to be home, as were the tour guides! In fact, they were so happy that they decided to charge for us the extra hour and a half we kept the horses out! That's right, they get us a lost and now expected us to pay for their incompetence. Unable to argue for myself, our friends intervened, only to be blocked by the unassailable defense of stupidity. Eventually, our group gave in to their demands and we paid them the extra money their Magellan-like sense-of-direction cost us. In retribution for this act, we promptly took our crew (and our money!) out of the inn and found new living arrangements elsewhere.

So why am I telling you this story? For those of you who have been in China for a while, it's probably obvious. For those of you new to the Zhongguo Experience, let me recap the main points:

1. Your interpretation of the word "van" is wrong.
2. Your world-view of how traffic works is wrong.
3. Your pronounciation of Chinese to a horse is wrong.
4. You belief in fair trade practices is wrong.

So trust me, you will continue to be wrong during your stay in China. Everything you learned in your Western life will only prepare you to be completely wrong in China. Don't worry though, even other Chinese are completely wrong when it comes to China, so there really isn't hope for anyone. The strange thing though, is that the utter hopelessness will cause China will grow on you. Even though you can't escape it, you will realize you don't want to escape. You enjoy the litle quirks and you still laugh everytime you share your stories with your friends back home. Some of them will will even think you are crazy.

Don't worry though, they're wrong too. Enjoy being wrong in China.