Louis Hutong

A Rocky Balboa Christmas

Only in the bowels of a Chinese DVD shop will you find such rare classics as the Rocky Balboa Christmas. So rare in fact, you wont even be able to find it on IMDB. While it's a little difficult to figure out exactly what's going, it appears to be a Rocky-rendition of the Christmas Carol, with our hero as a Philly-fied version of Ebenezer Scrooge. But instead of being a miserly old man atoning for his penny-pinching ways, Rocky must fight the personal demons created by  the sacrifices he's made in pursuit of his boxing career.   

As I understand the plot, Rocky is awakened on Christmas Eve by this late wife Adrian (playing Marley?)  whose come to warn him of the consequences of his punch-drunk ways. Symbolizing the burdens Adrian suffered by being Rocky's wife, we see her carry the chains of boxing ring ropes from all of Rocky's past fights. I suspect this could be a very touching scene if not for the fact that most of us were glad to see Adrian die...

The rest is a little fuzzy, but the cast line-up is fantastic:

• Ghost of Christmas Past: Mickey
• Ghost of Christmas Present: Apollo Creed
• Ghost of Christmas Future: the Robot from Rocky 4.
• Tiny Tim: Paulie.

I have to admit, the last one may seem a little miscast, but seeing Burt Young wobble around the screen probably bears a striking similarity to a small child with a gimp leg and wooden crutch. And Burgess Meredith yelling at Rocky to chase the chickens of his past is probably some of the best work we've seen from him since well...he died.

And as if the star-studden line-up wasn't enough, there is a bonus trailer for Rambo Thanksgiving: First Pilgrim included in the DVD.

Dangerous America

If I had a nickel for everytime a Chinese person tells me how they heard America suffered from a lot of crime and was a dangerous place...well, I'd have enough money to stop stealing purses from the little old ladies in the park!

Bad jokes aside, I'm always amazed by this statement because it never felt true to me until today. For your pleasure, CNN.com now offers a video for: "How to Survive in Prison".

Get your shiv ready.

God Bless You, Mr. Vonnegut

Superman and Lois Laid

While walking through one of my neighborhoods many DVD stores last night, this box set of Lois and Clark episodes caught my eye. Unfortunately, this cover didn't make me think of the harmless, family-oriented  Superman TV series on ABC that chronicled the love-challenged hijinx of Clark Kent and Lois Lane. It appeared to me as two poorly-trained actors locked in a passionate embrace for a low-budget porn flick based on the popular (and less seductive) Superman comic book and movies.

Extra points will be given in the comments section for anyone that can come up with new porno-names for Superman characters.

I'll start you off with: Jimmy "Hat" Olsen.

Bonus: Did you happen to notice Kirk Cameron's mug on the left? I take this as further proof that Mike Seaver may possibly be a sex god in China. I will now be renaming myself "Boner" and attempting to convince Chinese girls that I can introduce them to Mike. Those of you who grew up in America during the 80s just laughed at that last sentence, those of you didn't now think I have a porn career of my own.

Infinite Monkeys

As usual, I'm getting a heck of a lot of hits for massages in Beijing (hence my constant mentioning of it), but today I discovered another interesting search result that can bring you to my site. Go to Google and type:

"Pass the Silverware"

Not only does it bring up my site, but I'm the first one listed. That said, I'd like to give myself a big pat on the back for being at the top of the "Pass the Silverware" rankings. It's a proud day. And as a marketing professional, I can't help but bask in the glory that my extensive China musings have been re-segmented into a site dedicated to utensil locomotion.

That said, I'd like to try to increase my hit rate by mentioning other inane references combined with something Chinese! Please feel to suggest other ones to me, we could almost make this a hidden product placement experiment. The first one to get a confirmed search reference from their idea wins...uhh...something...

Anyway, here's the list I have to date:

• Post-modern Zoroastrianism in Southern Anhui province
• Lemur infestations of the Lugu Lake locality
• Shanghai: Future bastion of Beijing-hua
• The health benefits of Jiaozi and Qingdao beer
• Chairman Mao versus Jack Burton: The Return of Lo Pan's brother

Now I think I'll just sit back and let the hits roll in.

Thailand's Cultural Heritage

When in a foreign country, you sometimes just run across a cultural signal that explains more about their current state-of-being than you originally anticipated. For instance, if you study Japanese, you'll learn a lot of words about the subway very quickly. Or, in some cities, you can usually tell how safe they are  by the amount of protection surrounding a taxi driver.

Today, at the five-star hotel I'm staying at here in Bangkok, what do I find near the bar next to the candies?

Two boxes of condoms.

Zhongguo Turkey Day

For Thanksgiving, all I can say is that I'm thankful for being able to eat a delicious turkey last night.  My back-up plan was to actually go for roast duck...but this is so much better.

I stared at this turkey for five minutes out of pure orgasmic, eye-candy joy!

My Flight Plan

I'm always amazed by airlines. Absolutely amazed.

So imagine my surprise today when creating a flight plan on Orbitz.com and running across this "cheapest flight" option. (click picture now!) What do you think? Should I splurge for the extra $40USD in order to spare myself 12 hours of flying?

I know what your thinking, "Act Fast! There are only 4 tickets available for dummies like you!"

Help a sister out.

Sometimes you just hear about a friend suddenly quitting their job so that they can go to Tibet to care for hungry orphans? Well, my friend Barbara didn't exactly "quit" her job and she's only going to be "close" to Tibet, but she is turning a sudden change in her life into an opportunity to make a difference!

If you have some extra money to spare, please stop by this blog post and drop her a few dollars...

Thanks in advance to anyone that helps!