Louis Hutong

Beijing Olympic Urination

Beijing or Bust: Beat Olympics Traffic, Get Here Now

Jim Caple at ESPN has a pretty good readership, so reading his initial impression of Beijing's preparation for the Olympics is sure to raise some eyebrows with the uninitiated. He's being completely honest about what happens around here, meaning this is what people will now remember about Beijing:

"I feared the worst. Had we overheated or run out of gas during the awful backup? Was that the reason for the driver's anxiety and squirming? I raised my hands in the universal gesture of "What the @#&$?" but the driver only smiled at me and got out of the car. He rushed around to my side of the taxi and took a familiar stance by the front passenger door that quickly conveyed the problem: He needed to urinate. And he proceeded to do so right there in the middle of traffic."

It's a shame, because some days, it gets even more absurd:

"The China Daily, the English-language newspaper, ran an item one morning reporting the 11th of each month is designated as a day Beijing residents are supposed to train themselves how to stand in line."

But he's not exaggerating about anything here. These things do happen, and will continue to happen far beyond the Olympics in 2008. I just hope it doesn't sway too many people from ever coming to China though. Despite the extreme number of oddities about it, I can't think of anywhere more interesting to be right now.

The Case of the Flighty Stewardess

Homecoming Queens, Cheerleaders, Stewardesses...

These are the three types of girls that I'd like to say I've dated at least once in my life. When you grow up wearing coke bottles on your acne-covered face, you tend to make these little "someday i'll..." lists, so I'm not going to make any apologies. This just happens to be one of the more superficial of my lists.  Besides, when you're a teenager, you're not really known for much depth.

Eventually thought I did start blooming, and have been lucky to have had a fairly active dating life. So much so that  I've even been able to scratch off two of the above. Namely the Homecoming Queens and Cheerleaders...

The one I had to wait for was the Stewardess. And it's the one I still have to wait for...

Last June, on a cool Sunday night, I agreed to meet three of my co-workers on the outside patio of Suzie Wang's for a drink (of coke). For a place that gets labeled a "meat market" by many, it was surprisingly mellow. So mellow that there was easily a 2-to-1 ratio of wait staff to customers, but that didn't matter, we were just there to catch up with each other. As I walked upstairs, I noticed two girls leisurely sipping on their drinks near the inside bar. I made a mental note and headed on outside. After a few minutes of talking, one of my co-workers mentioned the two girls they noticed while walking in. I couldn't help but nod in agreement. And then, as the last of our group finally shows up, he immediately walks up and asks if we had noticed the two girls at the bar.

Of course, we all laughed, but continued on with our drinks for the next hour or two. I had commented to one of the guys that it was too bad it was his last night in town and he didn't get a chance to see the Beijing nightlife. I told him that we'd take him out the next time he came through to make up for it. From there, we decided to call it a night and head home.

That is, until we passed the table where our previous "sightings" still remained glued to their drinks. Of course, they hardly noticed us walking by, at last until I got struck with a uncharacteristic burst of courage. Once again, I was drinking coke all evening so there may be some caffeine-induced delirium involved here. So taking the opportunity given to us, I grabbed the only other single man in group...our soon-to-be-departing friend...and pulled him to their table, where I launched into a speech about how my poor friend never had the chance to meet any of the beautiful women in Beijing and how this might be his last opportunity.

Now whether they even understood my little English speech is still a mystery. All I know is that they started giggling, which to most males is an undeniable sign of permission to sit down and annoy you the rest of the night. We quickly discovered that their English was rather limited (as was my Chinese at the time), so my friend ended up playing the on and off translator for the rest of the evening. I was finally able to have a small English conversation with the girl I was sitting near, and it was enough to discover that they were both off-duty stewardesses for one of China's domestic airlines.

Of course, my friend and I were secretly ecstatic about the news as evidenced by the immature "they're stewardesses!!!" text messages we sent each other later that night. Still, we played it cool and were somehow able to parlay this into two hours of mojitos, martinis, and cokes. Eventually though, the night had to end, as the two ladies had an early flight to catch. Quickly stepping up to the plate, my friend quietly asked for and received "his" girl's phone number to which I also followed suit with mine. Stewardess fantasies bouncing through my head, I was completely oblivious towards the impossibly frustrating attempt at a follow-up that was soon to come.

Knowing they'd be busy that week with work, I waited 5 or 6 days before I decided to drop her a quick message. Surprisingly she responded, and after some awkward texting and actual phone calls, we agreed to meet the following Sunday for lunch.

When Sunday rolled around, I wanted to confirm we were still on for lunch. Unfortunately, all my text messages and phone calls went unanswered. I had been stood up. For the first time in my life. After waiting for about 45 minutes, my primal sex drive got replaced by the more necessary hunger drive and I gave up. I actually tried a few days after that to get back in touch, but even then, nothing. All my fantasies suddenly went poof!

A few weeks later I received a message from her. Apparently...she had lost her mobile phone on one of her flights and was unable to get a hold of me. It was only then that she was able to recover her phone and get back to me. I was willing to accept this, and being a sucker for pretty girls, was more than happy to give her a second chance. So over the next few weeks we got stuck in a game of phone tag consisting of us making and breaking plans due to our mutually changing schedules. With her schedule being even more chaotic I got burned out on trying and we agreed that she'd just message me when she was free.

And so the age of silence began. It wasn't until the new year (2007, not the Pig) that I finally heard back from her. And even then, it was because I happened to send everyone in my phonebook a New Year's greeting. I'm not sure if that prompted her to remember me, but she replied back. Surprised, and relaxed again after my vacation, I thought I'd take another go at it.

So again, we finally agree to a time and date. This time, it was a Wednesday, and I'd made a reservation at a Yunnan restaurant here in Beijing. Because work was busy, I let most of the day slip by without messaging her to confirm. I had learned my lesson from last time, so I had made sure we had a definite place and time. Unfortunately, it didn't help when I tried to call, as once again she was a no-show.

I'm not accepting a lost phone as an excuse this time. This is just pure idiocy. Can someone really be this inconsiderate in not responding? Had she possibly lost her good sense by sticking head outside the window during mid-flight? Apparently shecould...

And apparently I could easily give this one up. Sure, it's a boyish dream, but I'm old enough to know that I don't have time for this. I never waited around for her before and I'm not going to do it again. But as a guy, we can't help but act stupid every chance that we get. And I would get yet another chance. And it would only be three months later.

This time, there were no actual phone calls, just a long barrage of text messages. So for the sake of historical accuracy, I will share them here. Items in red are her, blue are me, and black is Jiminy Cricket.

[7:07 am] I am <name withdrawn>!   remember  me? (if you introduce yourself to a guy this early in the morning, you better be doing it by rolling over and tapping him on the shoulder. sorry, had to go lowbrow on that one.)

[7:12 am] Yes, I do. How are you? (by the way, i'm extremely nearsighted. i had to hold my mobile 3mm away from eyeball to even write that. i now have a permanent retina burn that looks remarkably like audrey hepburn.)

[4:41 pm]  Fine,i am very sorry (cool, it only took her 9 1/2 hours to respond to my last message. this is going great!)

[4:42 pm] What happened?

[4:44 pm] I not have dinner with you (i'm not going to be childish and make fun of her english, ok?)

[4:45 pm] I know. :-)  are we going to meet sometime? Or should i give up? (bam, right to the point! owned!)

[4:47 pm] are you angry? (let me think, this is the first i've heard of you since january? you tell me)

[4:48 pm] A little. I was actually more worried that something bad happened... (i'm now a cute and fuzzy bunny)

[5:13 pm] So, will we meet sometime for dinner? (ok, so she couldn't translate my bunny-talk. i had to reload)

[5:27 pm] Sorry,and then i have a meeting!do you can have luch?

[5:35 pm] Not sure about lunch. When are you free?

[5:37 pm] TOMORROW (did it suddenly get a little loud in here?)

[6:53 pm] Sorry, had to check schedule. I'm free. What time? (i know, you're thinking it now takes me forever to respond. really though, i had to check my calendar)

[6:58 pm] what about you?

[6:59 pm] I have time for lunch or dinner. It's your choice. (i hear women like men who make a decision. i'm glad i was such a putz here)

[7:01 pm] 12:30Pm?where?

[7:06 pm] Do you eat pizza? Or would you rather eat chinese food?

[7:07 pm] Pizza!i like! (you know you want me to make the "i like pie too" joke here)

[7:09 pm] Ok, meet me at the 3x3 store on sanlitun tomorrow. Ok? (ok, post-de-putzing, i make a decision...)

[7:15 pm] Sorry,i will fly tomorrow!i am very sorry! (only to get shot down 6 minutes after making it)

[7:16 pm] You are killing me. (but then again, aren't all women just trained assassins of the heart, aren't they? oops, temporary college-esque misogyny came burping up there)

[7:18 pm] I am so sorry! (...for being a nutcase)

[7:19 pm] Then meet me tonight. My plans fell thru, so i'm now free. (attempting to bluff her out)

[7:35 pm] Yes? No? ;-) (until i re-putz and cry like a baby)

And so it ends. I have not received any further responses for her. And since I have not heard of any plane crashes in the China area, I can only assume that she is still alive.

Now whether or not this is the last chapter of this saga is still yet to be determined. I'm at the age where I know what's worth wasting my time over and what's not. However, there is still the "thrill of the chase" that all guys suffer with that secretly hopes this saga continues. If this pursuit does ever yield any results, I'll now be free to move on to #4 on the list...

Chinese bar girls who wear Heineken dresses.

Karaoke Song of Death

Karaoke is just part of China, much like it is throughout the rest of Asia. And at some point or another, your friends, coworkers, random homosexual Chinese men (not my story), etc. will invite you to a night of eating, drinking, and oh yeah, singing! Unfortunately, I can not (as of yet) read Chinese characters, so whenever a Chinese song comes up...I quietly sit to the side and hope that I can contribute to the occasional line or two in English.

There is one song that seems to come up every time I go to a karaoke. I only write about it because of its disturbing imagery.  Please take a look at it yourself and let me know if you agree with my assessment.

As you can see from the video, we open up with a young man walking towards a lone piano on a concert hall stage. We see him take out his mobile phone to dial someone and then sit down at the piano as the person on the other end begins to listen. It's at this point we fade into a flashback of the same man and a young girl. He's just a young composer struggling to make it, only to have a domineering girlfriend constantly henpecking and criticizing his work.

At one point, he's in the middle of composing his music when she butts in and corrects him! It's from here you can tell he plans to stop this madness, but has yet to create a plan. Later, while watching some silly "chick-flick", she starts sobbing uncontrollably. He suddenly realizes something about this movie is causing her to display actual human emotions, so he leans in to investigate. At this point she attacks his lips with her lips and a 10-second (or so) battle ensues until she's forced to disengage her tongue by some unseen force. Stunned, he notices her nose has started to bleed which is followed by a maniacal laughter on her part.

At this point, he's had enough and takes her to the psychologist for further examination. I'm still not sure why the psychologist would need to check her heart beat and blood pressure, but since I can't read the Chinese characters, I'm just going to have to assume that's how they work here in China. Getting confirmation from the doctor that his girlfriend is in fact human, he sets upon discovering what caused this vulnerability in her otherwise icy exterior to appear.

Apparently she escapes the psycho-ward, as next we see he's invited her to the concert hall to listen to a musical piece he's prepared for her. As he starts to play the first few notes, she collapses onto the floor. Most people would quickly run to the aid of a pretty girl like this, but this guy stares at her crumpled body for a few moments before attempting to help her back up.

It gets a little fuzzy as to what happened here, so I'm going to fill in the gaps for you. Granted, they don't show you any of this, but you can pretty much guess from the context.  When she was at the hospital, he realized that the music playing in the movie they had watched earlier had a resonance frequency capable of causing her physical arm and death. As a young composer, he diligently worked to isolate this frequency and incorporated it into his latest masterpiece. Once again, none of this is show. I'm sure all the scientific mumbo-jumbo would have made for a lame music video, so can you blame them for cutting it out?

So we then jump to the hospital, where we find her laying in a bed connected to a vast array of machines. Then again, some of us think she's a little robotic anyway, so maybe this is how she refuels (I don't know!). Regardless, he realizes that his plan has failed, she's still alive. To make this murder succeed, he needs to play her the complete song. So in a somewhat clever move, he puts a mobile phone into her hand and quickly leaves the room.

From here we switch back to the opening scene with him at the piano dialing his phone. A-ha! Now we understand! As she answers his call, he starts into his dainty little dirge of death, hoping to finish what he started...her pre-meditated musically-induced murder. Sure enough, the phone is dropped and we lose her. Ironically, the part of the song that did her in was actually the refrain she "helped" him with earlier in the video. I think the symbolism there offers a lesson for all of us...

So there it ends...and yet this song gets sung every, single time I enter a karaoke. Maybe someday I'll get an explanation as to why so many Chinese men like to sing a song about murdering their girlfriend. Maybe the Western girls have it much easier than the Chinese girls. At least their boyfriends don't want to murder them.

Links of the Day

Both of these were found within about 30 minutes of each other while attempting to look busy at work today. For their own special reasons, they need to be shared...

Are foreign men in China Worse than anywhere else...

I really do love to read the referrer logs of this site. Once or twice, you'll run across something disturbing, but most of the time you get a little insight into who people really are. Today, someone searched for "'Western Men' Expat Dating," and found a recent posting of mine on the topic. As I followed the searching link back, I found this lady in Shanghai who holds an alternative view to our friends over a China Dirt.

By the way, you can also follow the same Google page to a paid advertisement for www.horseloversconnection.com. It's your choice.

Anyway...What I want to say is how glad I am to see someone in China actually having a successful dating life. I will not go so far as to say every woman's experience in China should or could be the same, but I think  some time should be spent to reflect on why her experience is different. In my book, she calls like it is, namely that guys will be jerks no matter where they are in the world. That's a given. Using excuses like "yellow fever" doesn't get to the core of the problem. Nor does the fact that average men become "reinvented" cover it either. She does, however, cut straight to the point and asks "why are you here?" and "why blame a man for your own unhappiness?" I'm jealous that she's actually allowed to ask this.

(side note: I should write more about the "reinvented" aspect of China.)

So now that I'm temporarily off my soapbox, let's move on to something a little lighter...

The History of China (or here if you have Great Firewall problems)

With a little tweaking, this is sure to become a classic for every expat in China to read. There is no way to really cover this without diminishing from its true brilliance. I think the best thing to do is to cover my two points and let you decide:

3000 BC: Exactly 5007 years ago this Tuesday, primitive man all over the world began to pick up objects using small wooden sticks as tools.  Two advanced primates along the Yellow River basin decide that their way of picking up things with wooden sticks indicates their superior level of civilisation, and establish the foundations of Chinese civilisation after taking a sh*t in a hole.

And then there is the more recent:

1405: Admiral Zheng He and his men arrive on the east coast of Africa: a feat accomplished 87 years before Columbus discovered America.  Zheng He and his men spend their time in Africa walking around in a tour group and refusing to eat the local food. After being asked to leave for saying the locals were “too black”, Zheng He steals a giraffe, and cooks it upon arriving in China.  The giraffe disagrees with the stomach of the Chinese Emperor; Zheng He is imprisoned and the African natives are then asked to apologise for hurting the feelings of the Chinese people.

I've left a message for the author to continue his work by creating "Future History of China" document, which I would start writing myself if not for fear of stealing his intellectual property.

Then again, I am in China.

Superman and Lois Laid

While walking through one of my neighborhoods many DVD stores last night, this box set of Lois and Clark episodes caught my eye. Unfortunately, this cover didn't make me think of the harmless, family-oriented  Superman TV series on ABC that chronicled the love-challenged hijinx of Clark Kent and Lois Lane. It appeared to me as two poorly-trained actors locked in a passionate embrace for a low-budget porn flick based on the popular (and less seductive) Superman comic book and movies.

Extra points will be given in the comments section for anyone that can come up with new porno-names for Superman characters.

I'll start you off with: Jimmy "Hat" Olsen.

Bonus: Did you happen to notice Kirk Cameron's mug on the left? I take this as further proof that Mike Seaver may possibly be a sex god in China. I will now be renaming myself "Boner" and attempting to convince Chinese girls that I can introduce them to Mike. Those of you who grew up in America during the 80s just laughed at that last sentence, those of you didn't now think I have a porn career of my own.

Beijing-hua and the Phonetic Tariff

My last post made a quick comment on Beijing-hua, which to the China-uninitiated is the local dialect found here in Beijing. It's a modification of standard Mandarin that can easily be imitated by stuffing 14 marbles into your mouth. For those capable of speaking Chinese, extreme caution is recommended if attempted. After the insertion of the marbles, many find that their taxi drivers now completely understand their directions. Some have even reported an increase in chuanr hotspot discoveries and invitations to Mahjong games near  the hutongs.

For those of who don't speak Chinese or have not visited Beijing, this particular dialect is noted for the addition of an "R" sound at the end of most words. To fully appreciate this experience, extensive research was done to uncover this Beijing-hua video guide.

Americans reading this will notice that this Chinese linguistic-additive is the opposite of the notorious Boston accent which actually drops the "R" from most words. For example, many from this particular area will refer to a "car" as a "cah" and a "park" as a "pahk."  Once again, video evidence is presented below.

So what caused this phenomenon of Bostonians losing a consonant only to see it get used by a Beijing-er? To put it simply, it's due to an agreement by both of the Chinese and American governments to re-balance their overwhelming trade deficit. For years the American government has been stockpiling letters no longer in use, unfortunately the "R" market has taken a nosedive in recent years which caused a massage letter stockpiling still affecting many places in America.

Eager to solve this inventory problem, the American government threatened China with future tariffs unless they begin immediate "R" importation. Further information into the exact details can be found in the  Alexendria Alliteration Accords of 2005. Now with an overabundance of "R's", Beijing had no choice but pass the surplus onto the local populace, which was quickly absorbed into the marble-munching tones we hear today.

In this particular trade war, it was a rare win for the Americans, although recent strength in the "X" market has caused the price of "R's" to continue its plummet. What effect this will have on future trade negotiations in unclear, however it is expected that Hu Jintao will accept more "R" importation in the hopes of earning future "apples for oranges" trade credits from the White House.

Infinite Monkeys

As usual, I'm getting a heck of a lot of hits for massages in Beijing (hence my constant mentioning of it), but today I discovered another interesting search result that can bring you to my site. Go to Google and type:

"Pass the Silverware"

Not only does it bring up my site, but I'm the first one listed. That said, I'd like to give myself a big pat on the back for being at the top of the "Pass the Silverware" rankings. It's a proud day. And as a marketing professional, I can't help but bask in the glory that my extensive China musings have been re-segmented into a site dedicated to utensil locomotion.

That said, I'd like to try to increase my hit rate by mentioning other inane references combined with something Chinese! Please feel to suggest other ones to me, we could almost make this a hidden product placement experiment. The first one to get a confirmed search reference from their idea wins...uhh...something...

Anyway, here's the list I have to date:

• Post-modern Zoroastrianism in Southern Anhui province
• Lemur infestations of the Lugu Lake locality
• Shanghai: Future bastion of Beijing-hua
• The health benefits of Jiaozi and Qingdao beer
• Chairman Mao versus Jack Burton: The Return of Lo Pan's brother

Now I think I'll just sit back and let the hits roll in.

The Spurning of Expat Women

It was only a matter of time before a blog like China Dirt popped up. Having been caught in the maelstrom of Western women going off on Western men dating Chinese women myself, it doesn't surprise me to see them take to the web. The site is fairly well written and I get the impression that the owners of it, while not happy with their local dating options, still have some hope and approach this whole topic with some needed lightheartedness.

I'll try to do the same as I give my two-cents on this issue. But as a disclaimer, I'm going to do some mass-generalizing along the way. I recognize that not every person is the same, but for the sake of simplicity, I'm going to focus on what I see happening more often than not. And yes, I'm aware that no matter what I say, I'm now the devil in the eyes of most every woman in Beijing. That's why this post has been sitting as a draft in my account for about a month and a half now. 

So let's just start off by saying most of the expat men are no different than the men back home, only the environment has changed. Men who were once average, now are distinct, intriguing, and exotic to many of the locals. The world is opening up to these women and sometimes the expat male gives them a glimpse into something new. The same is true in reverse, the girls here are different and the men are equally curious about the girls suddenly giving them so much attention. Moths and flames come to mind right now, but who is the moth and who is the flame is up to your interpretation.

To Western women though, many of the expat males are not inherently interesting because of where they were born. They are for the most part, just like the guys you grew up and hung out with back home. Sure, they are different in the sense that they packed up and moved to China, but so did you...so that doesn't make them that distinct to you either. --- These are still the same guys you could once parade yourself around and pick at your leisure. Under your standard model, the guy feels special because YOU picked him and to be honest, I think you liked it that way. Now, the guy feels special because of who he is (no matter how superficial), and not because of the hoops he has to jump through to get to you.

Because lets be honest, the games employed by many Chinese women are much different than yours. In the early stages at least, the Chinese games are far less emotionally sophisticated, which makes it far easier to enter (some might say "get suckered") into a relationship. And to be honest, they seem to appreciate the attention they receive more than some of expat ladies, who seem to cast a critical eye on many of our good gestures as if we just "wanted something" from you. So many of you are still pouring over The Rules and Men are from Mars as though it were the relationship Bible,when they could just let their guards down a little bit. Hell, if some of you would just stop sneering at the poor guys who accidentally make eye-contact with you in the bar would be a good start. (Ok, that one was unfair...I'm actually just ranting about the Brazilian/Russian supermodel contingent at a bar I frequent! ha!).

You might even try to revive the lost art of flirting? I know this sounds incredibly strange, but many of you have lost your touch in this department. I can walk about to 95% of the single Chinese women and partake in some harmless flirting. Yeah, sometimes I'm just being a little goofy, but saying a few nice words and trying to make someone laugh seems to go a LONG way here. And when they really want to, many Chinese women know how to make great eye contact. When I try this with the expat ladies, they more often than not, refuse to play along. I'm sorry, sometimes they do partake in flirting, but only if he is tall, dark, and handsome and capable of somehow riding up next to you in the bar on his white horse wearing his shiny, new armor. Let's be honest though, what happens next is not even flirting, it's you now flinging yourself at your supposed "white" knight.

And it's here where most of the bitterness creeps in towards expat men. Why? It's because that man isn't interested in you and you're unable to fathom the reason. Well, here's a over-simplified explanation. All that pent-up rage you have about this topic, well it becomes emotional baggage for you. How many men do you know like a girl carrying around emotional baggage? They like Samsonite for their business trips,not their dating relationships. This means the guy is going to start looking elsewhere for someone a little more well-adjusted. I'm not saying he's going to find well-adjusted  in some of the Chinese women, but at least they aren't projecting anger and spite at him.

Realizing this, you start berating the males around you with blanket statements regarding their gender's mission in China. And since verbal confrontation has never been listed down as an aphrodisiac, the men start putting space more and more between you and them. Ironically, there was probably a guy or two in the mix who was just starting to like you until you lumped him into your anti-testosterone rant. Eventually he'll start playing back in his mind the number of times he's heard a Chinese woman go off on that, figure out it's zero, and begin to understand why his fellow males begin to like the locals.

So what should you do about this? How can you fight this travesty? Well, here's my plan:

1. Get Over It: If you just would let go and not let your misconceptions get in the way, you're going to see there are a few diamonds (ok, maybe Zirconia's) in the rough. You might even have a little fun with someone you normally wouldn't date.
2. Find Your Niche: You can offer something to the expat males that most Chinese women can't. A true understanding of their culture, what they are trying to accomplish in their lives, and the challenges they face. I can assure you many expats find this part very difficult when "seriously" dating a Chinese girl.
3. Dance: Go to the clubs and look at the girls around you. Remind yourself that you can do a much better job of it. Yeah, some of the girls can put on a good show, but that's all it is, a good show. You are real and something genuine is attractive. In a sense, I'm not really talking about dancing here, but you can figure it out from there.
4. Respect The Man: Don't confuse what you call submissive in Asian women with what many men refer to as a little respect and admiration. I'm not saying all those men actually deserve this, but  they do enjoy it and there is a lesson here. You don't have to bow in deference, so don't start with that line of thinking. I'm just suggesting that a little respect in a relationship goes a LONG way, especially with men. We're simple like that.
5. Respect Yourself: Stop pitying yourself and don't settle for a jerk. Yeah, it's going to be a little more difficult than back home, but hold firm to your standards. Don't let temporary set-backs turn into vindictive rage. Be confident, not arrogant. It really does work.

At this point, someone is reading this and saying to themself, "Louis, you got burned bad in China." Well, to be honest, that's not the case at all. I'm just a guy who looks around and still sees a lot of expat males and females hitting it off, having a great relationship, while the rest of us get maligned as heretic  worshipers of the local goddesses. And since I get frustrated myself at times, I thought I'd share a few of my thoughts on this topic. It is my blog. *grin*

So please don't hate me. I'm just an American Southern boy who grew up on catfish, sweet tea, and girls destined to be Miss America. I still remember what it you were like back in my Pre-China days and I remember it fondly. However, if I feel as though I'm being put through a test by you and your friends, I'm going to leave. I'm still young, but I'm too old to be put through an obstacle course over a prize that may not be worth winning.

I'll stop here. I think I could at least write seven more paragraphs dissecting this topic further, but at that point, I might as well contact a publisher and ask for a book contract. Feel free to agree or disagree in the comments section below, I'm not scared...

Let's just hope I don't have to rename this site "Louisa Hutong" after this.

Be Flexible

I found the below on Digg today. I think after seeing a few images of these Chinese contortionists, you can pretty much figure out what comments were going to get posted. I'm sure those same posters were the same ones looking for this great little massage place. Sigh.

Chinese Contortionists