Louis Hutong

Go, Go, GouRou!

If I just tell you that "GouRou" means dog meat, you can pretty much figure out where the rest of this post is going...

Today, after 19 months in China, I had the first and only bite of dog meat of my short life. I think for me to write anything further about this experience is not really necessary. It's not that it was disgusting, but I do have to live with myself, knowing I ate someone's pet.

I did however get some kudos as being officially "Chinese" by doing this, but I can't convince myself it's worth it. AllI know is that my Chinese boy scout, dog-eating badge better be in the mail to me right now though!

And before anyone asks me, I don't know what kind of dog it...*gulp*...was...

Xinnian Kuai...what?!?

A few weeks ago, I posted the picture below. It was part of a much larger Christmas display in front of my office building. Even in Communist China, someone realized the true meaning of the season and was kind enough to grace us with this nativity scene. There must be a very special person behind this, someone whose heart has been touched by a being much higher than him or herself.

Or so I thought...

With the Chinese New Year approaching, the Middle Kingdom will find itself ringing in the Year of the Pig. I've been told that this will be a great year to have a baby, as they'll never have to work hard for anything. So maybe someone thought about this "baby" year, made a connection to the baby Jesus in the nativity scene and decided some constructive re-use was in order.

So fast forwarding to the present day, we're now presented with this. Yes, it's the same exact location as the last picture and yes, that is the same "manger" that once held a representation of God incarnate.

Right now you're saying, "What? Is it possible that the baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the heavenly hosts have been replaced by pigs?!?"  Yes, take a closer look.

If this is the way China is attempting to bridge the gap between Western and Eastern culture, I have a feeling that Easter might be a little uncomfortable this year...

Mudflapped

Beijing is the first truly cold-weather city I've ever lived in. In sunny San Diego and the American Southeast, cold weather is more of a freak occurrence than a daily way of life. I only say that because I don't know if the "mudflap" phenomenon exists in other places beyond Northern China.

Basically, a mudflap is a collection of 6-plus feet long pieces of plastic hung from the door of a store in order to keep the cold weather out while providing enough space for people to actually enter. It actually makes a lot of sense, minimize the air flow through these flaps instead of allowing people to let in huge gusts of wind through a conventional door.

In Beijing, you can never expect anyone to hold open a door to you,  and you definitely wont  see them  provide  any  more courtesy when it comes to 15 pound pieces of plastic.

So because of this, I was almost "mudflapped" by my own stupidity. Usually I'm in a continuous red-alert mode for crazy taxi drivers, exposed electrical wires, or open manhole covers. But in this instance, I got distracted by my ringing cellphone, while trying to enter Yaxiu market. Whether a premonition hit me or I was just plain lucky, I happened to glance up as the person entering before me pulled the flaps along with them, only to let them fly back towards me with a fury not unlike that seen by hurricane Katrina. Demonstrating something akin to jedi-like reflexes, I was able to dodge the plunging polymer of paraplegic possibilities and share my lesson with you today.

Had there been a small child behind me, I can't say they would have lived after such an impact. I can only thank the heavens we'll never know. So take this as a warning, don't just watch your back...watch your front! And please, be kind to your neighbor, just hold open the flap for them. Only you can prevent mudflapping mishaps from taking innocent lives.

The Art of Conversation

Over the past 6 months, I keep noticing that my ability to maintain one side of a conversation is quickly deteriorating. Part of this has to do with me being extremely busy at work, thus extremely tired and unable to really focus on anything intelligent. Another part has to do with the fact that I find myself just not caring about certain topics anymore.

The most noticeable symptom of this problem is my seeming need to repeat back what I just heard someone say. Years ago, and ex-girlfriend and I used to joke about a guy who used to do this and now I find myself doing. The strange this is, that guy was extremely popular and even now some people are starting to accuse me of being able to talk to anyone. There's a lesson in there somewhere...but back to the topic at hand...

So what could be the deeper, less noticeable cause of this malady?

Language Lessons.

Think about it. Where do you normally find yourself repeating back what you just heard? That's right, in your language classes. In a normal world, if I asked you, "Do you like Beijing?" You would say, "Yes, I do." However, in a language class, you tend to repeat and say "Yes, I like Beijing." This is only a very simple example, I'm sure you can think of other, possibly better Q&A's.

Lately, my Chinese has been improving to the point that I can have basic conversations, but I still find myself parroting my conversational partner at times. I'm hoping that as I continue to make progress, this effect will begin to wear off. If it doesn't, I'm going to end up being known as a shallow prick or get invited to speak at the next Toastmaster's event.

Flowers on a Tree

Yesterday I learned the phrase, "Yi2 Hua1 Jie1 Mu4 (Hanzi TBD)."*

According to my Chinese tutor, the literal translation is roughly "move flower tie tree" or "tie flowers on a tree." I was told this was a fairly well-known saying from a Chinese military strategist, but I forgot to ask which one. This phrase was shared with me after a multi-topic conversation regarding:

1. Local tourist spots that make "possibly" exaggerated claims about either about their greatness or their wickedness (this one typically being something Japanese related).   
2. Chinese language text books that contain stories over-sensationalizing Chinese culture, as well as stories demonizing American society through an interesting selection of facts and figures.
3. Government press releases. I don't think I need to explain this one.

At this point, I'm hoping the metaphor of tying a flower to tree is obvious at this point. I'm sure you can think of many examples other than the ones I mentioned below. China is very much of an image based culture and it's not hard to spot the lump of wood decorated with flowers.

It you can't see it, let me help. It's you, young lady, the one who spent her entire month's salary to buy that famous (phone, watch, purse, jacket, etc.) brand in order to make people think you are what you're not. It's you, Mr. Actually Rich man, who drives your banana yellow Ferrari down the streets of Beijing, even though you rarely crack 40kph. It's you, old man, with your little girlfriend who is half the age of your current wife.

The strange thing, after being here a year and a half, I'm not even judging anymore (ok, maybe a little). This is just how it is and it's not just because your Chinese, the rest of us foreigners are just as bad (or good?). It doesn't have to be expensive things or expensive people that create this effect. It could be as simple as a Doraemon button or something akin to Sami's Peacocking (great post!). Heck, even my teetotaling has created a small "flower" effect for me.  People in the bar are suddenly interested by the guy who doesn't drink or smoke...I'm now different. I'm supposedly a "good" man.

So when you come to China, and you can't naturally find your place here, just think to yourself, "I'm a piece of wood, a piece of wood that needs to find a flower." And once you find that flower, tie it on tight. You'll be amazed at the results...

*If you're a Zhonguo-nazi, shut up. I probably made a mistake on the pronunciation. Feel free to kindly point it out and move on with your life. :-)

Hot for Laoshi

My Chinese new tutor is actually a real teacher. She is not some language-exchange partner. She is not trying to find a foreigner husband to take her away. She is not trying to teach me the bad words and local slang. She's a real tutor. And I try to treat her with respect...

Then I see stuff like this and I think to myself, "You mean I could have asked for this?!?"

Sex Appeal Counts in Hong Kong Tutoring

This is the way people sell beers, right? Your product can't get differentiated (or it just sucks), so you have to somehow re-package it with long legs and ample bosoms. It's disgusting (read "intriguing"), reprehensible ("fantastic!"), and degrading ("dream come true").

Oddly enough, this comes about a week after my tutor tells me that her company lost a Korean student after the teacher traded him off to a fellow tutor. Apparently he wasn't happy with his new tutor and asked for another tutor, which also turned out badly. When they inquired more into what had happened, they found out that he didn't think the new people were attractive enough and decided to go elsewhere.

She also mentioned that her company was fearful of getting a bad reputation after another group (also Korean) called and asked them to send their most attractive teachers to instruct their group. As a former government agency, they obviously couldn't have anything to do with this and turned them away. Both of these incidents were  pretty shocking to her at the time, but she laughed about them later.

My, I learned a valuable lesson here? Pretend like I'm Korean. They apparently have the biggest balls of any group of students I've ever seen.

What I like about Beijing

The best (maybe the worst) thing about knowing a little Chinese, is that you get into conversations you suddenly find yourself no longer able to understand. After meeting a friend for drinks tonight, him with a glass of Brandy and me with my trusted bottled water, I caught a cab home. As usual, the driver starts with the standard questions: where are you from, do you like China, how long have you been here, etc., etc. Impressing myself with my vast array of stock questions and answers, I was just chugging along... even learning that my driver had been in Beijing for about 2 and a half years, was from nearby Miyun and had only one girlfriend. 

I'm sure you just said to yourself,  "One girlfriend? What does that have to do with anything?" Well, I started joking around with him, basically calling him a player and accusing him of having many girlfriends. I figure he meets so many women in a day, he must be collecting a lot of digits along the way. What girl wouldn't dig the pungent smell of week-old tea combined with the B.O. of a man confined to a small area all his life? Side note: That was a joke, but in some crazy Chinese logic, I may have hit on something. Moving on...

Well this leads into a conversation about the ladies (nuren) of Beijing, until he suddenly switches his term for ladies into the more colorful xiaojie. This was right around the same point he switches on the local-accent (qiche-hua) and begins to rapid fire me with questions. I try to stay with him, but finally give up and just start faking it with a bunch of "dui's" and "hao's" hoping to keep him satisfied long enough to make it to my stop. Finally arriving at home, he continued to barrage me with half-grinned questions, so I threw out one more "hao" with a dash of "zaijin" and was out the door.

Walking into my building, it suddenly occurred to me after a little after-the-fact translation, that I may have just agreed with him on how exciting the hookers are in Beijing.

Don't worry, I'm not your ambassador.

Heebee-3Gs

Due to my job, I should be careful what I say here, but this delayed roll-out drives me nuts. Maybe it's just my American "market forces" belief, but this inability to let other mature technologies roll-out seems awfully strange to me...

We're missing out on some really cool phones as well.

China 3G hit by further delays

Post Holiday Blues

For some, the worst thing about Christmas is all the bills they pay. The worst thing for me is all the work I have to catch up on. So while I was enjoying my time off with family back in the States, everyone here was still here piling up work for me.

As soon as I get caught back up, I'll post again.

Glad to see my old friend Rob posting up here as well. He's one of the few people in the world that might single-handedly be more interesting than China...